Recently, my husband and I were on vacation. There was a rough start. The weather was not great and I specifically wanted to go and enjoy sun, beach and the pool. We were getting rain, wind and clouds. Like I said, not good.
I was laying in the hotel bed feeling thoroughly sorry for myself. I had convinced myself that “of course, this would happen to me”. I asked Roger to pray that our trip would improve. He looked at me and said, “why don’t you pray?” I didn’t want to. My prayers never work. That is what I said to him. “It doesn’t work when I pray.”
You see, for a long time I have been telling myself that God didn’t really care about me. Not only did He not care about me, but He didn’t listen to me. He ignored me and my prayers went unheard and unanswered by Him. Mentally, I have a long list of things that I have prayed for or am currently praying for that have not manifested.
I cry, I yell and I get mad at God. I ask Him why. Why no answers? Why no response and why the silence? I seriously wrestle with this. Almost to the point where I just sort of stopped trying to pray. Stopped hoping. Everything short of giving up altogether.
“Then why stay?” Because I know in my heart that this is NOT how relationship works. Because I have seen God move in some amazing ways. To say that He never answers also exposes my personal mythology. It illuminates the areas where I have created my own version of God in order to keep from confronting the fact I have not chosen to search His heart and learn His ways. Instead of doing the work, I made up a story and have clung to it. This story has allowed me to stay lazy in my walk.
I think, while we spotlight the mythology of our pastors and fellow church-goers we have to also investigate our own fairy tales. The fables where we have cast God as the villain and ourselves as the long-suffering damsels in distress in the face of His ill-will.
It takes bravery and courage to look deeply at our story-telling with a critical eye. I think, however, that the payoff and freedom on the other side will be well worth it.
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