For a few months now, I have been reflecting on story and storytelling. Stories provide context, give history and can be a guiding force. They can recount the heroics and mistakes of ancestors. Stories can also entertain. They can be fictional or factual. Really, they can be whatever we want them to be.
The past months have also been particularly difficult for me in terms of anxiety. My inner voice has been loud. Yelling sometimes. My strategy to silence my catastrophizing is to distract myself. Usually with my phone and the tv going in the background. But it never silences the thoughts. Just dulls them for a bit.
Slowly, the anxiety was dragging me down. I would have a hard time sleeping. I would wake up in the middle of the night and start thinking about how I would financially ruin my husband. I would sit in my living room and become depressed at the thought of my best years being behind me. It all would quickly become a spiral that paralyzed me from doing anything. And then THAT would stress me out because I thought my husband would realize I am useless around the house. Just bad, all bad. And it never seemed to quit. It got worse.
Finally, it reached it’s crescendo about a week ago after dealing with an infection. I was convinced I would die or lose a limb. I seriously thought that. I made myself sick ruminating over it. Physically ill. I knew I needed to get this anxiety under control.
I prayed to God. I desperately needed His help.
Then I believe He showed me that I was telling myself stories. Scary stories. All fictional, fearful and frightening. All designed to keep me distracted and unfocused. So, what if I learned to tell myself better stories? Stories that reflect the heart and truth of God and His word? Stories that tell me about how He has more than enough to take care of me and my husband. I can tell myself stories about how He has showed up for me in the past with an unexpected word of encouragement, an inspired idea or even a person paying for my lunch.
Then I thought about the stories that pastors or leaders tell us that are also untrue and not biblical. Stories of God’s anger and displeasure that quicken Him to punishment. Stories of painful events in our lives solely caused by some perceived sin that we never committed. Stories that ramp and fuel our personal anxieties and shame. Stories that are told because of the unwillingness to grapple with mystery of God and the things that happen in life.
What if we all listened to the story that God tells us about Himself, His love, and His salvation? The soothing tales of provision and gentleness are meant to comfort and show us His fatherly heart.
This is where I am taking this blog. It is about the stories we tell ourselves, the stories our religion has told us and the story that God wants us to believe. I am really excited about this and I want you to join me as we learn this together.